An ATF officer stops at a ranch in  North Dakota and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there.'

The ATF officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land.  No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the ATF officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified.  The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge!  Show him your badge!!!'

A little boy asked his mother: "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had
children; and so all of mankind was made.' 

Two days later the boy asked his father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys
from which the human race evolved.' 

The confused boy returned to his mother and said, 'Mom,
how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

       Four old retired guys were walking down a street in Wickenburg, Arizona. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar all drinks 10 cents.
      They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
      The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!
      What'll it be, Gentlemen?
      There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
      The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.       Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please'
      They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

      They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'
      'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own my own bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

      Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
      The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.; One man gestures at the seven men at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
      The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired farmers from Kansas. They're waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price.'

The 10 Best Caddy Comments
 
No... 10 Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
    Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
 
No. 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
   Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
 
No. 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
   Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
 
No. 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
   Caddy: "Eventually."
 
No. 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
   Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
 
No. 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction      
 Caddy: "It's not a watch --- it's a compass."
 
No. 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
   Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
 
No. 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
    Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
 
No. 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
   Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
 
...... And the No. 1 best caddy comment:
 
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
   Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.".
 

One day a college professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student
rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information?"

"To save lives," the professor quickly responded and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again, "So how does physics save lives?"

"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. 

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton! 

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" 

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. 

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with
an eight iron.

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Monastery  Life   A young monk arrives at the  monastery.  He is assigned to helping the other monks in  copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.          He notices, however, that all of  the monks are copying from copies, not from the  original manuscript.   So, the new monk goes to the  head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a  small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!  In  fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies!        The head monk, says, 'We have  been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a   good point, my son..'     He goes down into the dark caves  underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are  held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for  hundreds of years.    Hours go by and nobody sees the  old abbot.      So, the young monk gets worried  and goes down to look for him.  He sees him banging his head  against the wall and wailing: 'We missed the  R !   We missed the R !  We missed the  R !'   His forehead is all bloody and  bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.  The young monk asks the  old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With A choking voice, the old  abbot replies, 'The word  was...      CELEB R ATE  ! Catholic Last Rites A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.   He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.   A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s "Mr. Policeman," said the  man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man." The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:           B-4 ....  I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 ... O-72 One day a wolf was walking along, and came upon a rabbit sitting in front of a computer, typing away. The wolf inquired of the rabbit as to what he was doing; the rabbit replied "Typing my dissertation." "Your what?" said the wolf. "My dissertation on 'How rabbits eat wolves'," replied the rabbit, somewhat annoyed by the interruption at this point. The wolf, not surprisingly, expressed some doubt concerning this topic. The rabbit, begrudgingly, offered to demonstrate the main point of his dissertation, suggesting that the wolf follow him into his hole. The wolf (with a wolfish grin, no doubt) agreed, and down the hole they went. Several minutes later the rabbit re-emerged, and returned to typing his dissertation. This series of events was repeated several more times that day, each time a wolf going down the hole with the rabbit, but only the rabbit coming back out again. Finally, a man walked by, and struck by the unusual sight of a rabbit typing, stopped to ask what he was working on. The rabbit, truly exasperated now, again stated he was trying to finish his dissertation, entitled "How rabbits eat wolves." The man replied, almost as astonished as the wolves earlier in the day, "I assume this is not just a piece of theoretical work?" "Oh no, this is an experimental study. Would you like to see?" And so down the hole they went. Once inside the rabbit's hole, the man discovered, to his horror, a large pile of wolf bones, and a rather larger lion calmly chewing on the remains of another wolf.... The moral, of course, is that it is not your dissertation topic that matters; rather, it is who your advisor is. Sven and Ollie Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Dress Maker". "I make the dresses for the nice ladies." The clerk looked up Dress Maker. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained: "Dress Makers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I make the dresses for the nice ladies, Sven holds them up, looks at 'em up and says: "Yah, diesel fitter." Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN." The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum." A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...."